Advice columnist DearJames answers a question about whether a not a woman should wait for a man she loves, even if he’s not ready to be in a real relationship.
From serious to silly, monumental to mundane, or somewhere in between, DearJames responds to questions asked by his readers. The answers may be just what you were looking for, or may provide you with a whole new perspective on things.
I’ve loved a man for four years now. We have broken up many times and gotten back together. I want commitment and he wants to be free.
He still desires me sexually. Should I wait for him, or try to move on — even though its difficult, because I love him?
DearJames answers: Should I wait?
Dear Should I Wait,
Kiss this man goodbye, and don’t ever, ever, ever, look back.
Four years later (with multiple break-ups along the way) should tell you exactly where you stand, and with whom you are dealing. This man wants to have his cake and eat it, too. For him, it’s not about you and never has been — it’s all about him.
That’s not to say that you’re free of responsibility and your fair share of antics; however, ultimately, he stays around because you allow him to.
If he wants to be free… SET HIM FREE. Enough is enough is enough.
No relationship is perfect, however, he’s made it abundantly clear that he’s not interested in long-term commitment. He’s only interested in good time conveniences. And the more you willfully play along, the longer the charade continues. At some point, you must regain your self-worth, self-value, self-respect and dignity, and move beyond this lack and limitation, because this is a dead-end street.
Sex is not love — and this man is not showing any love. You have far more to offer yourself, let alone a mate or significant other.
When you walk away, do it with style and grace and your head held high. When he comes-a-calling, for convenience’s sake, tell him to keep shopping — you’re not buying. Eventually he’ll come to understand the jig is up, the fun time follies are over, and he needs to find another someone to be “free” with.
You deserve more, but you’ll never attain more if you stay locked in an arrangement that belittles and undermines your value. Do not rush out and find an immediate replacement, as you need time for you.
Once you raise the meter on your own self-value, worth and respect, the right gentleman will present himself. And that’s a kiss worth waiting for.
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