Is leaving my husband the right choice?

When is the right time to make the difficult decision to end a marriage? Intuitive advice columnist DearJames shares his advice.

From serious to silly, monumental to mundane, or somewhere in between, DearJames responds to questions asked by his readers. The answers may be just what you were looking for, or may provide you with a whole new perspective on things.
The question

DearJames: I recently left my husband of 11 years, and it has been a battle from the very beginning. It was an abusive relationship including alcohol and drugs. My question is: Am I making the right choice by leaving and planning on divorcing him? I’m struggling with my decision to do this.

I also recently applied to go back to school. I want to do this and I have everything paid for, but I need a job. I’m struggling to make the decision to go to work or school and I need to get a place so I can move back to a different town where my kids will attend school.

I’m afraid I’m making all the wrong choices, but since I have left, so many doors have opened up to me. I’m excited, but also afraid that I need to stay with my husband — that he will truly change and be a good husband.

DearJames says

divorce couples marriage (1)You are indeed on the right path: it’s why it feels so right — and yet so uncomfortable.

Eleven-plus years have been spent in torment, anguish, denial and pain.

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A decade of hiding the truth just so you could feel the slightest bit normal…sane.

Addicts routinely make promises they never keep: it’s in their DNA. Their need for the next fix, score or drink is so strong, it eviscerates all rational thinking: judgment: responsibility: or accountability.

Substance abusers and addicts have illnesses in need of treatment. By second-guessing your decision to remove yourself from this toxic environment by separating and ultimately divorcing, you leave the door wide open for yourself to continue as an enabler.



The only thing you want to enable: is your forward momentum and recovery.

>> Appreciating the bittersweet beauty of impermanence

You and your children would be wise to seek counseling in order to truly cleanse your souls. To unburden oneself is to wash away the residue of that which was left behind by lasting impressions.

You never have to stop loving your husband and father of your children. You just have to love your self more: and him enough so as to allow him to fall, so he may yet rise… if he so chooses.

>> When there’s no spark left, stay married or not?

Empower yourself by educating yourself. Demonstrate to your children the depth and determination of your will, the levity and gaiety of your spirit, and the strength of your convictions.

Open yourself to the many doors and windows that will continue to open for you, as you seek to move and align yourself with your highest purpose and ideals.

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Be forgiving of yourself and others, as forgiveness speeds the momentum of your recovery.

Be patient, yet confident, in all your dealings and decisions. Life is not a sprint, but a marathon.

Enjoy the journey, as you will come to discern the destination is fluid, not fixed.

Above all else, believe with all your being that you are doing the true and right thing.

Be steadfast: not steely.

Ultimately, peace comes to those who willfully believe they are worthy of it.

Be worthy of peace.



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